THE REAL REAL ME

My Spirituality
I understand it as my believes about the existence of a super power the almighty who is above all ... it include my practices and my daily routine ritual in submission to the al mighty according to my religion. It is a very private and confidential security of my search for the reason why I am here in this world and that one day I too will die. Spirituality is my search for meaning for everything I do in this world ...as I was born I learn, to live, to love and to leave a legend...its about me my self worth of being in this world. Am I spiritually strong? So far I survive my almost 58 years of life. I am able to handle myself in anything that I am responsible for. I am clear about being me. I believe and practice that I am responsible for my thinking, my feeling and my actions. I learned that I am thus responsible for every result I got. I know that I shall not cause harm to others unless I had to. My spirituality is the real, real me that comes out when no one is a round and is always keeping me on track on all that I take action. its hard to write it out.....

PENGETUA SEK. CONVENT BATU PAHAT-45 YEARS LATER

Today about 45 years later or after I left Convent Batu Pahat in 1965 when I was in Form One , I came back to see the Pengetua to get permission to interview the school counselors for my Ethics class assignment. The school had changed or rather had developed. There were a lot more building blocks, the kindergarten was hidden in the back before it was in front and there were only two school blocks. When coming, I missed the entrance and had to turn around a whole housing complex which was not there before than only found the gate. I asked the gardener where the office was and was concerned about blocking other cars with my car park. I asked if the church is still there, the answer is no, but the Lady Fatima Statue is still standing... It now have a glass casing around it. I explained to Puan Siti Rosnani why I need the interview and gave her the hard copy of the email and the questionnaire I was going to asked her counselor. She said she will get back to me by Thursday. I babbled more about my experiences when I was in that school a long-- long time ago and then realised she has a lot to do so..I ended the conversation and thanked the clercical staff outside of the Headmaster's office and move out. I noticed there are more notice boards around the school corridors.

7 Nov 2009 - Statistic in Education Examination

How did I do on the statistic examination? My application of the Statistic knowledge is still not strong. I had not mastered the basic principal. I know about the questions asked but I cannot explain the answers in words. I still need the text book to refer. there is little hope to get A for I did not answer one main question which already takes 9 marks off. I finished the examination, so now what? There is nothing to do ( nothing of importance to read/have to read) until the next semester starts which is on 28th of December 2009. The other paper I took this semester is the Practicum Counseling which do not have examination but there is a take home test which I had submitted. The group mates that I am with this semester are quiet different. Most of them are young and very competitive as well as selfish. I felt left out and there is no team spirit. I felt that I am the only one wanting to contribute but the other are all takers and not much contribution. Again I am reminding myself that I am an old student and have different values. I had not communicated well among member of the class. I had not made an effort to really get to know members in class. I am rembering that "what I give is what I get." Like today I could feel the jolt when I call on to Sabba a group mate but he never responded back. I asked myself why?Let it be for I had made the first move to say hi to him. So it is his own funeral if he does not respond. My other group gather to pay me the photostat money for the group. They gave me RM10.00 which I do not want to accept but instead suggested a treat at the canteen. But they insist on the money so I took it for the cost of paper printed for the assignment which is too much. Any way thanks friends. Today do not feel very well for the headaches and the running nose makes me cough a lot of green flam but I made it to the examination hall and answered what ever questions I understood. On the way back home I stop at my favorite food stall and treat myself to a bowl to Tom Yam (Hot, spicy, sour Thai soup) and plain white rice. I bought and bring home 2 pieces of fried chicken, beef bone soup and double portion of mixed fruits and special gravy. My semester for this year is done . So WHAT ARE MY PLAN FOR YEAR 2010? SO WHAT IS YOURS?

ALMOST A YEAR LATER -TODAY SAT,OCT 3,2009

Keeping to my own promises is one of the hardest things I had to discipline myself. I find it really difficult to keep a diary - a daily one. It is really almost a year since I wrote down about what I feel, what I think and what I did since I took up Counseling Skill. I am back tonight to answer these 8 questions: 1. What happened? 2. What were your feelings?3. How did you react? 4.What did you do?5.What did you learn about yourself?6. What did you learn from the situation? 7.What were your assumptions in entering this situation? 8.How have these assumptions been changed?
Today I went to class at 2.00pm as usual. I was surprise everyone look well into a long class, I later found out that session had started as early as 12.00pm. I was on campus but no one inform me about the class time change? who change the time? One more shock when my own group mate accidentally told me there was class on last week, (I was happily holidaying instead, I really would appreciate it if someone just tell me even though I could not make it) I was damned angry, boy no one had my phone number? we do have a group e mail...did any one really care or know I existed?are these the kind of counselors we are going to be? I was angry about being left out?I checked the group email so many times, Could not the Dr.post these time changes through the email. He may have told this one guy who forgot to contact me or do not have my numbers?As I drank down my anger I cool off about being sore at classmates who forgot to contact me. At that time I felt so unappreciated and frustrated. I wanted so much to learn on the techniques, practicum and now I learned I missed the best part of those demos- i missed in all at least 6 demos. Now I know, I have not made any friend who cares. I start to evaluate things from my end. Is this the type of communication of level I am capable of? Only at superficial level?I began to apply the ABC model of REBT to my situation. Boy I am awfulizing the situation and making myself sick. Actually I was not well, I have been having asthmatic problem an coughing. Now that I wrote it down I felt better. I am better at controlling my feeling nowadays I do not keep it in me I learn to let go integrate it with other things in my life. I am already too old to get stuck at one level of communication. I want to move on. All this time I know about not to blame others, justifying my doing and be responsible, it is still easier said than done.

JOURNALING BACK - RECALLING WHAT I HAD DONE

I really find it hard to write a daily journal what more recalling things I did in a month. I had not wrriten for about 2 months since the Aidil Fitri holidays in October 2008.

I left Batu Pahat on Oct.5th for classes in KL and came back on Nov. 15th 2008. and I have no excuse to give. I is just me., commitment and self-discipline. I was so busy or keep busy by doing my university assignments. At first it was doing interviews then writing it, then another assignment for another professor came up and it had to be done. That was my excuse for not returning home for about one and half month to my mother's house in Batu Pahat. I did my studies at University Malaya in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Therefore, here I am again trying to write my journal as a practice for my weekly report in 2009 when I took practicum 1. So the idea of writing a journal for practicum is a good idea. I find that I am not at all time conscious of what I am doing except when I am writing it down- like now.So what happened during those days I was in KL.? Here are some pictures taken during those days. I attended Level 2 of the Sand Tray Workshop.


I worked with partner Jessie on the Tamito the Moroccan Boy Scrapbook forLife Span Development Assignment under Dr.Diana. I interviewed Puan Meriam Omardin at her office and treat her to a Domino pizza. Failed to interview a school counselors, instead interviewed Sook Yee a counselor at INTI College Nilai, Seremban. Paid RM 3,500 for Sarah's school fees at UNITAR so that she can take exam. Hopefully she will reimburse the amount when she got the MARA LOAN which I do not know when next year 2009?. Sent Jessi to her apartment, went and had the Life span test from 12.00pm to 12.00 am midnight.

That is indeed a different kind of test and I learned and remembered it for life. Oh yes another unforgettable event is the Nov first when DR Di decided that its her birthday and she gave out the best , the softest and the chocolaty cup cake to all 80 of us a combined class of 3 subjects- the life span/the theory and the multicultural group. I gave her a box of chocolate. She got a beautiful cake and on Nov class gave her a crystal pair of earring and a seconds which she put on ans showed off to the class, She really look lovely- all glittery and shiny...On that day we had another fun thing to do ...when I die if I were to built my tomb what would be like... we also wrote about who our significant others and wrote about the me I would have been ...... just take a look at hose thumb stones.... her was the urns...with silver background. There are still a lot more to share ...in another page ...bye for now.

First semester of 2008 is finished and now waiting for the examination result- 4 subjects. However, I am going to register on monday 24 Nov 2008 for next Semester 2/2008 UM.

STILL LEARNING ABOUT MY SELF

SANDTRAY WORKSHOP EXPERIENCES- 4 MORE LEVELS TO COME
What happened?-The sandtray workshop in early September 2008 was something that I want to go into. My experience of the sandtray is it's a tool that helps me to express my thinking , feeling and action easier and faster in a way that those small figureins triggers some past or new thoughts, feelings and behaviours versus if I was just talking to the counselor.
What are you feeling?-As I layout the sandtray "stories" past experiences especially treasured moments with friends and family came in flashing inmy mind.
How did I react?-As an outer witness to the others'sandtray, wow I realise how unique the Human Being is! same thing/figurines gave different meanings. different colour have difference association of different experiences.
What did you do?-As a counselor I need to remind myself that ..it is always about the client and his/her relationship to another human being...if I remember that, and practice seeing things from the client's perspective than the session can connects....and start the issue/concerns dealings according to the client.
What did I learn about myself? I did not know any of the sandtray participants..I was suprised that that many experienced counselors in Malaysia wanting to learn about this tool of SANDTRAY. I got nothing on actual counseling experience. It sort of frightened me to be allowed to become a mock counselors for one of the tray in that workshop. As I practiced to give feedback, my brain was catching up on what is spoken, on what the client is not saying, an on the said meaning og things in the tray. It was a stressful 10 minutes of giving my feedback. My upperarms muscles tensed and by whole body hardened but I manage to listen, and give the feedback. Until you go through the experience you or rather I cannot say anything.Oh, I have changed. I learned to really listen. I learned to focus when listening do not speak whether verbally or think it in the brain... give the client the time if his life that is the way to help as in counseling. THANK YOU DR DI from UM, Malaysia. See u next level.

RAMADAN - FASTING MONTH OF 2008

1. What happened? Its September 1st 2008 and for the Muslims its that month of the year that we make adjustments to everyday routine- fasting and stop the daytime eating - the time duration from dawn to dusk. Talk about getting things done and making change, is a challenge to my self discipline and control. Fasting is a must practice for me as a Muslim. It is one of the 5 pillars of the Islamic religion. Today it is the third day of fasting and at the end of it a celebration the Aidil Fitri is waiting.
2. What were your feelings? During Ramadan I mentally review my prayer profile.Am I better at practicing the 5 times prayer daily? Am I up to it to fasting all the 29 days? Is my sunnah /Terawih prayer going to be for every day? Have I learned the juz amma? I did a lot of self reflection - Am I better this year?
3. How did you react? In my heart I know where I am. I cannot lie to my self. I know I still could do better.
4. What did you do? I practice self discipline and self control .
5. What did you learn about yourself?. Nobody can really get me to change but myself and my commitment
6. What did you learn from the situation? Keep on trying to keep promises especially those doings for my afterlife. I must get to resources, read it and do it.
   
7. What were your assumptions in entering this situation? I know what I got, I know how far I can go, I just have to stick to it long enough to change things to get what I desire, want and what I can have.
   
8. How have these assumptions been changed? Depends on situations, times and resources factors.